My heart is so heavy today yet I have hope in Jesus. I went to the Women of Faith Conference in Atlanta a few weeks ago. It was called Amazing Freedom. I realized that there were things that I thought I was free from, but I'm not. I laughed so much that weekend and I cried a lot too. Mostly my heart was breaking for the women sharing their stories. They were difficult ones to share but all of them had the comfort of Jesus to get them through the tough times. Forgiveness. Pain. Death. Healing. Joy. Freedom. Our God is so faithful even through to most difficult times. One of the speakers shared about the loss of her baby daughter. That was one of the most difficult stories for me to hear after losing my own. I didn't truly get to hold mine as she did but I did get to see her. I was able to bury her and have memories of her. That was almost five years ago now. I can't believe it has been that long.
I love to read books by Karen Kingsbury. She is one of my all-time favorite authors. She has a series about the Baxter family that I have been reading for several years and her latest book came out this week. I feel like I personally know this family. Like I could just call them up and talk to them. I even find myself praying for them. This last book was hard for me to read. I'm not giving away details and I cry through every book so this isn't unusual for me. It deals with life and death and choosing life (in more than one way). It deals with struggling to understand why God allows things to happen. It also deals with having people who love you surrounding you even in the worst of circumstances. It once again made me think of my baby girl, Zacie. I started the book yesterday morning and finished it after midnight last night. My eyes are still swollen from crying. I got up this morning and pulled out my memory bag from when Zacie was born. I probably shouldn't have done it but part of me needed to. I found the memory book that the hospital gave me. I had forgotten that they made me prints of her tiny little footprints. I have her little tiny hat that she wore. I have the little bracelet that she never got to wear. The picture of her that I have in my head is so different from what the pictures actually look like. It was a reminder of why I don't look at them often. Too heartbreaking. Too sad. Yet amazing to know the God created her and had a plan for her short life.
I don't mean to be so heavy hearted today and it is fine if no one even reads this. It is amazing how good it feels just to write this down and get it out of my system. I have heard that journaling is good for the soul. Throughout the series of books, the mother constantly seeks strength from the hymn, Great is Thy Faithfulness. I have been singing it all morning. I just had to write down the words as well...
Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not;
As Thou has been Thou forever wilt be.
Summer and winter and spring time and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars In their courses above;
Join with all nature in manifold witness;
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.
Pardon for sin and a peace that enduresth,
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow;
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand bedside!
Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided.
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.
